Message to cats...

Weenie's bike is not a hidey hole toy. And please do not use it for sharpening claws, particularly the tyres. FYI, that blackish oily substance will never be tasty, stop sniffing it to check. I know you're doing it because your normally white bib is black Mr Handsome.

When Weenie brings work home, don't walk all over the proofs she's attempting to read. Yes it does make a marvellous scrunchy crunch sound when you jump on it but the sound is matched by a wail of exasperation and rage from deep within my soul.

My cycle helmet is NOT a toy. Just because it spins across the floor when batted does not mean it was built to do so. Also, you look ridiculous when you successfully set it spinning only to jump two feet in the air with your fur on end 'because it attacked me'.

You are NOT a tiger. Tigers do not prowl the wilderness by day only then receive with enthusiastic glee biscuits provided by a human. Nor do they snuggle into said human's armpit and roll onto their backs emitting pussycat snores as soon as it gets a bit chilly.